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Preparing for the Holidays While Undergoing a Major Life Event

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Although it might seem early to start thinking about the upcoming holiday season, the time might be right to at least start considering a game plan if you have something major on your plate for the next 6-9 weeks. What do I mean by something major? Here are a few examples:

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Recovering from a surgery
Moving into a new home (and moving out of your previous home)
Dealing with a new medical diagnosis
Welcoming a newborn into your family
Managing a chronic illness
Renovations on your home

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In this blog, I'd like to explore what these situations have in common; how to manage your own (and other's) expectations; and a few strategies appropriate to this "six weeks to Thanksgiving, nine weeks to Christmas/Channukah/Kwanzaa" time frame.

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Commonalities of Major Life Events

While some of these events may be exciting and joyful, others are not. Nonetheless, they do share a few common traits:

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They're stressful! Some of the other commonalities will show the details of what makes them so, but all of them produce some degree of anxiety or worry. Why?
They all involve a certain degree of uncertainty. Each of the above situations contain elements that are beyond our control. We don't know how anyone recovering from surgery or dealing with an illness might feel on the holiday; delays are always possible in the realm of home construction and inspection. These delays could occur anywhere in the pipeline, so to speak; it might be a delayed shipment of tile, a permitting issue from your local municipality, or a missed inspection appointment or a failed inspection. Because these situations are so fluid and multi-faceted, the uncertainty they bring can cause stress, anxiety, and worry.
They're exhausting! Pain, stress, and worry can impact our sleeping and eating patterns. We may be physically exhausted from the activities involved in clearing out or packing up a home. We may be emotionally exhausted at seeing a loved one frightened or in pain. Night-time feedings may leave us sleep deprived, and hormonal changes can set us on an emotional rollercoaster. Care-giving can be taxing both physically and emotionally.
They're not the only thing on your plate. Despite these major life events happening, daily life continues to throw its demands at us. Work obligations, child care, and household tasks and errands will all still need to be managed.
They arouse our emotions. Beyond stress and anxiety, other emotions can come into play as well. Sadness at saying goodbye to a community, friends, or a way of life can all accompany a move. Surgery and illness can trigger existential fear. Parents--whether they are welcoming their first child or a sibling to their first-born--can suffer doubts about their ability to manage, whether logistically or financially.
They can be overwhelming. Did you start to feel anxious reading these commonalities? I know I'm feeling it as I write them! Again, because they have so many moving parts and are so impactful to our daily lives, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation.

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Aren't You Leaving Out Two Major Life Events--Death and Divorce? What About Those?

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The absence of a loved one poses a different type of challenge, both during the holidays and every day. By the very nature of these events, the upheaval is of a different level. The life events discussed in this blog tend to have a time-bound resolution: we adapt to the new child in the family, recovery occurs after a surgery, moves and renovations get completed. As novelist Allison Pearson states in her 2010 book, I Think I Love You:

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"Death itself is too big to take in, she already sees that; the loss comes at you instead in an infinite number of installments that can never be paid off."

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Because grief is an ongoing process, it is not part of this blog post. Grief may morph and change, and while peace and healing may be attained--it is not necessarily a time-bound experience.

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Managing Expectations--Other's and Your Own

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This six-nine-week period prior to the holidays is an ideal time to start formulating how you will deal with the holidays amidst the uncertainty that is in your life right now. Remember it doesn't have to be set in stone--just some things to consider for celebrating the holidays, albeit in a different way. My suggestions below are some tips for dealing with your own expectations and those of your family and friends.

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First, accept that your celebration will be different than other years--and that's okay. The holidays are not just about tradition, food, and tablescapes. Love, gratitude, and memories can still be made with a limited menu and guestlist. There's something to be said for watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, football, and eating whatever you and your immediate family or close friends feel like having. Snuggles and chilling out can soothe a high-stress event.

Next, start letting family and friends know that your plans may differ this year. Keeping them in the loop allows them to plan accordingly, if they won't be a part of your celebration; if they are going to join you, then they won't be surprised if your home is not in Instagram-worthy shape, or if a member of your household is quieter or less energetic than usual.

Remember, too, that you can inform people of your plans without sharing more than you're comfortable. A firm, but polite, "We've decided to not travel for this holiday, but thanks for thinking of us" or "We're looking forward to this holiday as a break, so we're keeping it low key this year," or "We appreciate your understanding how much we have on our plate right now with the...(new baby, new construction, recent surgery), so we're going to pass on hosting this year." You get the picture. It's possible to decline while being light on the details.

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Strategies for Planning Your Holiday Season When There's Upheaval

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Applying these strategies will depend on your exact situation. Use these suggestions as they fit, because dealing with illness or recovery from surgery is very different from renovating your home or moving into a new space. Most of these are "tried and true," not earth-shattering; however, when we're overwhelmed and stressed the simplest thought can prompt us into action, and to remember that there is a way forward.

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‍Flexibility is key. If you're dealing with someone's health, plans will depend so much upon how they are feeling on the actual holiday. Renovations or closing on a new home can all have delays. Think in terms of Plan A, Plan B, and maybe even Plan C at this point. Knowing in advance that you have options from which you can choose provides peace of mind.
Enlist help. Make dinner a potluck where each guest contributes something. Hire someone to clean the house, or at least the portion that will be seen by your guests if you choose to host. Have the meal catered. Find someone to shop and chop for you!
It's one day--or not. If you aren't able to get together with family on Thanksgiving, for example, you can catch up with them for the December holidays. Maybe you or your loved will be feeling better during the Thanksgiving weekend--you can certainly celebrate on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Consider that shift workers/first responders/hospital employees celebrate this way pretty regularly, because not everyone can be scheduled to have "off" at the same time. Also, we tend to think of the holiday season as running from Thanksgiving to New Year's Day. Many cultures celebrate the Epiphany, which takes place on January 6. Kwanzaa begins on December 26. This year, Channukah begins on December 25. The good ol' "Twelve Days of Christmas" run from December 25 through January 6. Just because the company holiday party was held in the beginning of December doesn't mean that you have to be on to the "new year, new you" track by the end of the month. You have more options for gathering than you may realize.‍
Give yourself, and others, grace. While others may have dealt with similar situations, no one has truly walked the proverbial mile in your shoes. You may be experiencing a lot of powerful emotions; if you've been short with someone, or lost your temper with someone, or cried over something completely unrelated to your stressor--it's understandable. Apologize when you need to. By the same token, forgive when you need to as well. The most well-meaning of people can express themselves in ham-handed ways. Seeing someone hurting may very well be triggering them into their own fears, doubts, and anxiety. Hold on to what is useful and comforting; let go of the rest.

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Over the next six-nine weeks, I'll be blogging about a lot of holiday topics; from menu suggestions to hosting tips, meal prep to time management, to the annual ChoreVoyant gift guide. I hope that the information will be of value to you!

I'd also like to remind you to reach out to me at (201)707-5813 if you need any assistance with the upcoming holiday season. Whether you are going through a major life event at this time or not, the holiday season is a demanding one! Larry and I are here to be that helping hand for whatever it is that arises. It is our privilege to be a part of your life, through all of its ups and downs. Don't hesitate to schedule a call here.